just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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