Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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