Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
