I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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