he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
