Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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