I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
