He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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