Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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