he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize