I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
