Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
