I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
