I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
