So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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