you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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