we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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