Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
false alarm, still single
Randomize
