I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
