How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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