I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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