I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
