Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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