I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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