I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
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Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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