Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
