Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
