I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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