I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
