So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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