It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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