All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
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Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
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We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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