I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
