You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
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What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
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Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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