I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
