first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Randomize
