I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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