I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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