i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
