ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
People in love make me want to vomit
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
