I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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