I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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