In the future we'll all be gay
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
