Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Someone came in the potted fern
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
