u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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