and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
