please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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