So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
