He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
