You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
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I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
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I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
God, I missed his penis.
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