Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
