I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
