My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
