My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
