I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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