Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
