By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize