worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
