I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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