was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
