hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
