Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
